Tag: The Light We Carry

Basketball Synchronicity

Like just about every other kid in American, I have spent some time on the basketball court. I’m a wicked guard, not a great shot, and let’s not talk about my free throw statistics. There’s a lot of running around involved; I’m not a fan of running. Basketball never took for me, and as I got older, I was more drawn to softball, gymnastics, and volleyball. Basketball… meh. I don’t follow it, never watch it, and yeah… not really a fan.

But this year basketball has been all around me.

Last winter, fighting a flare, pumping myself up for a trip to the cath lab to check the pressures in the right side of my heart, I started reading The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama. Michelle really made an impact on me; she knits, she understands chronic illness, and she struggled with her height as a kid growing up in Chicago. The tallest girl by far in her class, she was always singled out, at the back in pictures, the anchor when kids lined up, you know… different. There was so much in her book to identify with; I suspect we all have something that made us apart and different as a child, and we all know how hard the middle school years are. She found her way, as we all know, and shines with self-confidence and purpose these days. The book was great, I learned a lot, and I recommend it.

Michelle is 5’11” tall, much taller than me!

Michelle wrote about her older brother Craig in the book, who also attended Princeton University, and out of curiosity I googled him. Oh. Craig Robinson has his own Wikipedia page. He’s a force in the world of basketball and is currently the Executive Director of the National Association of Basketball Coaches. Suddenly the height in the family made sense, and I remembered that President Obama also played basketball. Kind of interesting, huh. Basketball.

I loved Dear Edward, so I bought this book as soon as it came out.

Then I started my next audiobook, Hello Beautiful, while knitting along on the Hannah blanket. This is a book that will stick with you a long time, and I’ve really been unpacking the layers as I think about it even now. Imagine a dysfunctional family that loses a child just as a new baby comes home. Somehow the grief and loss from the death of their little girl is projected onto the little boy (William) growing up, and he is alone, unwanted, at a loss, searching for a family, and quite tall for his age. He finds a family and sense of purpose in basketball. He marries into a family with 4 girls, and just when you think all will be well, the bottom falls out. He is unable to play basketball any longer because of an injury, but he is lost without it. He tried to be the man his wife wants and goes to graduate school where he begins a thesis on the History of Basketball, but he also struggles to understand who he is and what should his life be. There are births, deaths, loss, grief, abandonment, and yearning for family throughout the book… and basketball. William ends up working for the Chicago Bulls basketball organization. Another great book, I learned a lot, and I recommend it.

By the start of this week I was knitting again without my wrist braces (yay!) and I watched a couple of movies online while I stitched along. I’d heard about this new movie called Air that is the story of the development of Nike’s Air Jordan shoes, so I watched that Sunday night while stitching on the Soldotna Crop sweater.

Look at all the progress that I’ve made! I’m coming up on the point where I separate the arms from the body of the sweater.

I thought that this would be a movie about a scrappy little company creating a new shoe. Oh, it is that, but it is soooo much more. It is a story about purpose, finding your way, and basketball. It is about maintaining balance, recognizing your worth, demanding the best, and knowing that a shoe is just a shoe until a person who will be a force for change and a model of excellence, Michael Jordan, puts their foot into it. It is about risking it all in order to make a change. What a good movie! I seriously wanted to have a pair of Air Jordans for myself by the end of the movie, and it was even better because the basketball team involved is the Chicago Bulls in Chicago. William from Hello Beautiful‘s team!

There’s kind of a pattern here, huh? A president and first lady from Chicago. William finding himself again in Chicago at the Chicago Bulls. Nike putting all their marbles into one basket with a new shoe on the foot of a player that they think will be the future of basketball, a player for the Chicago Bulls. Synchronicity. Obviously, I need to watch some basketball…

While I was totally not paying attention, the Denver Nuggets, the NBA team in my area, advanced in the championship series. As it turns out, the game that could win them the championship was last Monday.

So, knitting like crazy, I watched my first basketball game in a couple of decades last Monday. The Denver Nuggets won! The first championship for the franchise ever. Fireworks were going off behind my house as I finished the last round of knitting before separating the arms from the body of the sweater; you know this sweater… it had been ripped and tinked for weeks as I struggled with it. Today I’m knitting away on the body, my wrists are pain free, and I seem to have popped out of the flare.

Basketball. Knitting. Perseverance.

Who knew basketball was so awesome?

I already knew about the knitting!

Mateo: have a wonderful Caturday, everyone!

The Scleroderma Chronicles: Carrying Light

You know, I think that synchronicity is a real thing; you just have to pay attention to what is going on around you. Sometimes, if you take notice, the world hands you just what you need at that moment.

Scleroderma has been kicking my butt lately. Having improved dramatically over the summer and sailing through my heart/lung testing last fall, my doctors were pretty upbeat when I reported worsening symptoms while visiting them in late winter. They ordered some testing, but they were also very reassuring.

A week ago I arrived at a Kaiser facility bright and early for a routine echocardiogram and 6-minute walk test. The echocardiogram did not go well (usually they don’t hurt, and what was up with having to pause so I could pant a little to catch my breath…) and I was in the red zone (the pulse oximeter starts glowing red if your oxygen drops below 90%) after a minute of walking. The test was halted after 3 minutes, and the concerned nurse walked me out to the elevator.

Ugh. Not good, little BLZ, not good. Refusing to overreact, I went to my favorite yarn store on my way home, bought some great yarn, and then hit Starbucks by my house. It was a bright, blue day and I headed out to the deck to knit.

I took this picture of Hannah. Look at that bright, blue sky!

Do you know the quote by Elizabeth Zimmerman that goes “Knit on, with confidence and hope, through all crises.”? Yep. That is a quote to live by! I cast on a new hexagon for my blanket and started knitting. I felt myself settle inside, my breathing steadied, I began to process what had happened, and my anxiety faded away. Scleroderma is a monster, and by the time I was casting off the hexagon, I was ready to once again face it down.

This post had appeared in my knitting group on Facebook from Michelle Obama a few days before:

Well, look at that: Michelle Obama is a knitter! Yay! It looks like she also knows about the Zen of knitting and the ability it has to bring calm and purpose to a simple activity while you reflect upon and process problems large and small. I knitted every night to finish my teaching days. I knit in hospitals. I knit in meetings. I knit just about everywhere I can, and I especially knit to deal with the rolling shitshow that is my chronic illness. I went and bought Michelle’s book.

Thursday morning the results from the echocardiogram were posted and a couple of hours later my cardiologist called me. I was knitting and ready for the call.

For the first time the words stage 3 heart failure were used in the discussion with my doctor. My pulmonary pressure is higher than ever before and there is more fluid around my heart. It is not clear if my symptoms are caused by worsening pulmonary hypertension or pericarditis, but the only way to sort this out is to go back into the cath lab and directly measure the pressures with a right heart catherization. It may be both. I will need a different treatment regimen. An emergency referral was put in and tomorrow I’m heading back to the hospital for the procedure. This is what happened the last time I did this.

My pulmonologist, who works closely with my cardiologist and rheumatologist, saw me on Friday for a lung function test and office visit. My lungs are hanging in there, but my ability to diffuse oxygen into my bloodstream has dropped significantly. I told him about the upcoming trip to the cath lab, and he started checking those test results. I’m not going to lie, it is a little alarming when your doctor says, “No, no, this is not good. I am not happy with this at all.” More testing has been ordered. He emailed the other doctors on the team to start the discussion about what changes should be made with my meds.

I took this picture of my new Goldwing sweater in his office the day that I met him. If you are going to scary appointments, armor yourself in your favorite knits!

This weekend I started reading The Light We Carry and was amazed that it starts with… knitting. Serendipity strikes!! Michelle Obama began knitting at the start of the pandemic as she struggled with the lockdown: grief, isolation, loss, and everything else that happened in that time. It became an important vehicle for processing, recovery, and perspective for her. The daughter of a father with MS, she is very aware of disability and how it absolutely impacts how someone like me can view myself and the rest of the world. She talked about using tools such as the cane that her father needed to empower ourselves to deal with what comes our way. Her book appears to be a toolbox of different strategies to cope with the challenges in life.

For the first time since all this started happening last week, I cried. This book is absolutely, positively, what I needed to read right now as I pack my bag for the hospital and prepare for what is coming my way in the upcoming days and weeks. It’s like someone could see right into my heart and lit a light for me. I will carry that light along with its warmth and glow tomorrow as I join my doctor and the pit crew in the cath lab. Whatever happens, I am positive, I will glow, and my light will shine.

So, Michelle, whatever can I show off as a favorite knit? Every single item that I cast off my needles has left me with a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and fed my creative needs. Knitting helps me cope with adversity, plan my day, and work through problems. Knitting delivers calm in a time of crisis. Knitting allows me to deal with an unpredictable autoimmune disease that delivers an uncertain future. Knitting connects me to all the knitters in the past and provides gifts for others as I pay forward. It is essential for my being and a vehicle to connect with others.

Here are some things I’m really pleased with: Goldenfern, a knitted copy of a beloved (and lost) cat, baby booties gifted to a neighbor knitted from a pattern handed down through 4 generations of my family, the hats and PICC line covers that are donated to Kaiser infusion centers in my area, and Mando (and Grogu) mitts for a knitworthy niece.

Tomorrow I’m wearing arm warmers and knitted socks into the cath lab. Take that, scleroderma.

Behold, I carry my (knitted) light with me!

Did you wonder what a BLZ is? That’s me, the Blue-Lipped Zebra!